Straight to Video?

Matt explaining to his father why the ALI conference discussing the next Restatement of Law is not boring:

Matt: "It's amazing. There are judges, professors, Supreme Court litigators -- the combined brainpower in the room is phenomenal -- and they are coming together to determine the rules that will govern our civilization. These are the greatest legal scholars of our time -- our philosopher kings, so to speak -- in one room, hammering out the rules of society. So what might seem at first glance to be mundane is actually quite profound."

Dad: "I'll wait for the movie."

Teaching Mom How to Ride a Segway

Last week I spent several days back home in Michigan. Because I am a masochist, I decided to shove the Segway into the backseat of my 2-door Honda Accord. Without removing the LeanSteer column first. This was a bad idea. The base weighs 105 pounds and is incredibly awkward to try to lift and shove into a car, and I was doing this all by myself. Luckily, I managed to squeeze it in there without doing (much) damage to either the interior of the car or the Segway itself (a few scratches, but nothing major).

Why did I take the Segway with me, considering my Michigan residence is out in the 'burbs where a Segway would be relatively useless? Why, to teach my family how to ride, of course! Everyone learned how to ride except my dad, who was understandably terrified of losing his balance. They say that a lot of men have trouble "giving up control" to the Segway and letting IT do the balancing for them -- and after my dad had a particularly jittery first step onto the platform, he had no desire to stick around and get used to it.

That's okay; everyone else in the family loved it, zooming around the block to their heart's content. I have put together a little video showing my mom and sister Elizabeth learning how to glide gleefully on a Segway. Unfortunately, they both attempted to commit Grand Theft Segway. Bastards. Fortunately, I quickly recovered the machine, due to its nifty theft deterrent system.

Interestingly, the Segway is good for more than just tooling around the neighborhood. My parents had just gotten new carpeting put in, and hundreds of pounds of old carpeting were sitting in the garage, just waiting for me and my sisters to move them to the curb. Well, I figured, Why laboriously carry all those rolls of carpet 50 feet to the curb when I could use the Segway? So we arranged a makeshift assembly line, where I would stand on the Segway next to the garage, my dad and sister Katherine would hand me a ream of carpet, and I would lift it up with one arm while guiding the Segway with my free hand, traversing the front lawn in mere seconds! The whole process went VERY smoothly, and took about 20 minutes total. Everyone agrees that we saved at least an hour by using the Segway. Alas, I didn't get any video of the actual assembly line, but I did get a photo of the finished work. Awesome!

Video Explosion!

And so I return from another eventful week in Michigan, where I spent the days hanging out with family and friends, and teaching everyone how to use a Segway (except my dad, who was positive he would break his neck on the thing). Needless to say, Much Video Was Taken. But it's not edited together yet.

SO, while I am editing it, I would like to amuse you all by showing you BEFOREISLEEP.NET: THE LOST VIDEOS! Yes, my dear viewer, over the years, some highly entertaining videos have been left off the site, due mostly to my own laziness, or more likely my lack of a high-speed Internet connection at the time. Luckily, my laziness quotient is currently somewhat low, and my Internet connection is smoking. That adds up to: lots of videos! And remember: If you haven't seen it, it's New to You.

Please enjoy.

Look, ma! I’m a real lawyer!

Years of intense studying and grueling tests paid off today, as I represented my first client in court! Well, almost. Let me rephrase: Years of intense studying and grueling tests paid off today, as I went down to the local clerk’s office with one task in mind: try to get my mom out of a traffic ticket! Here’s how it all went down.

Apparently, back in June, my mom got a traffic ticket for turning in the wrong direction at the wrong time. My first knowledge of this occurred yesterday morning, when my dad told me I would be representing my mom. My reaction? SHOCK AND PANIC. I know I graduated from a Big Ticket law school, and I know I passed the bar, and I know I took a little oath and was sworn in, but I’m not a real lawyer… I mean, I know there’s a bar card in my pocket with an official P-number and everything, but, come on, me? Defending a traffic ticket? They never taught us how to do that at Georgetown! I learned about due process and equal protection and theories of punishment and the legal frontier that is Cyberspace! I never learned how to drive down to the courthouse and file an appearance – I don’t even know what an “appearance” is, let alone how to file one, or what filing one actually signifies! I don’t know how to argue a traffic ticket!

But my dad told me I had to file an appearance – and not knowing anything about a subject has never stopped me before. I was worried that the clerks would be surly and gruff like the ones at the D.C. court, but these two clerks were actually quite pleasant. They looked to be in their 50s and 60s, and had a very motherly air about them. So I did what I always do when I don’t know how to do something: I played the Naiveté Card.

“Can I help you?” a clerk asked when she saw me wandering around aimlessly.
“Uh, yes. I am here to” – I paused to recall the exact words my father told me – “file an appearance for my client.” I smiled, pleased with myself for remembering all those words.
“Oh, okay.”
At this point, I realized that I had no idea what came next. I decided it was time to come clean.
“Listen,” I said, “I’m not really sure what to do. This is my first case ever since I passed the bar.”
The two women smiled. The bailiff, hanging around near the filing cabinets, applauded. “Congratulations!” they all said.
“Yes, yes, thank you,” I said. I decided to come even more clean. “And, actually, the client… is my mother.”
They laughed, and the bailiff said, “I hope you got paid up front!”
“Actually, she’s taking me to Panera.” I am in love with Panera iced chai teas. It’s a good deal.
So the clerks, seeing that I was new, led me through the whole process. They gave me the right forms and walked me through everything and that was that. I didn’t even need to show them my license or bar card. And there’s more:
“Are you interested in doing some criminal defense work?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
“Would you like to be added to the court-appointed attorneys list?”
“Absolutely!”
She handed me a notepad. “Just write a love letter to the judge, and I’ll make sure he puts you on the list.”
Wow! Visions of me arguing forcefully before a jury danced in my head. For the first time, it sunk in that maybe I really am a real lawyer – or at least, I could be if I wanted to. (I decided to hold off on the “love letter” because I’m not sure when I’ll be in Michigan again, and I would hate to get a letter telling me to appear in court two weeks from now on Tuesday, when two weeks from now on Tuesday I’ll be rehearsing with the Choral Arts Society of Washington at the church by my apartment in DC!)
I finished filling out the form letting me “file” the “appearance,” thanked them for their help, and walked out the door to my mommy’s waiting car. I still didn’t know what an appearance was, but I had just filed one! I am a real attorney! Time to buy a new suit.

Epilogue: According to my dad, “filing an appearance” means just what it sounds like. If someone wants to hire a lawyer to contest a traffic ticket, the lawyer goes down to the court and signs a form stating that he is representing his client in the matter. As I understand it, this simple act of showing up at the clerk’s office is the appearance, and filling out the form is “filing” part. Thus, “filing an appearance.” Now, the clerk gives me whatever paperwork there is on the ticket, and a pre-hearing date will be scheduled for sometime next month where I can meet with a city attorney to discuss this little matter of turning left during rush hour. Come on, 3 points? Really? For my mom, who is so nice and sweet and has a perfectly clean driving record? Surely we can work out a deal. Maybe instead of “improper turn” for 3 points, we can knock it down to “impeding traffic” for 1 point. Eh? Eh? Sound good? Whaddya say?

(Oh, also according to my dad, if you tell the clerks you are representing a family member, they always say they hope you got paid up front!)

This lawyering stuff ain’t so hard once you get the hang of it. But I still don’t see why they didn’t teach me any of this in school. Sure, studying constitutional history is fun and all, but it doesn't actually lead to many practical skills.....

Fun with Sea Creatures!

Fun in Chicago!, originally uploaded by CaseWriter21.

I flew to Chicago this weekend for my sister's year-end play (she takes classes at Act One Studios), and got to spend a couple days doing touristy things... like going to the Shedd Acquarium and buying a Coral Reef* hat! As soon as I saw a 10-year-old wearing one in the elevator, I knew I had to have it. I ran frantically down to the gift shop and excitedly asked them, "Where are those awesome hats?!" Here, I pose with my family as they hold onto their Special boy.

Lots more Chicago pics here.

*Note: At first, because my fingers have their own muscle memory, I typed "Choral Reef." Now wouldn't that be interesting.....

I am Officially* an Attorney!

A photo of me and my family just after the swearing-in ceremony, originally uploaded by CaseWriter21.

A long journey has finally come to a close.

"Or is it just the beginning?"
Who the hell is that?
"This is your Narrator."
We're not in Stranger than Fiction, I am not Will Ferrell, and I can narrate for myself just fine, thank you.
(poof)

Sorry. Anyway, what I mean is that my long formal educational journey -- which began with my first day of kindergarten and continued all the way through college and law school -- is finally done. On Thursday I went to my Swearing-In, which is the surest sign yet that my passing the bar was NOT a mistake, my successful character and fitness evaluation was NOT mistaken, my actually doing okay at Georgetown was NOT just a dream, etc. The swearing-in is kind of like high school graduation. Your family is there, and people give speeches and talk about how much Good you can do in the world.

There are some differences though:
1. I didn't have to take an oath to graduate from high school, and
2. I didn't have to wear a green cape and silly tassels this time. (Picture forthcoming.)

The oath was actually pretty neat. It was the first set of vows (professional or otherwise) I have ever taken in my life. It was actually somewhat uplifting, in that the words reminded me that lawyers are *supposed* to only do good for society, represent people in need for free, not mislead the court, etc. (Nevermind that these standards are rarely lived up to; it was a nice sentiment.) The only bad part about having to take an oath is that I had to hold my right hand up for two minutes! And, Star Trek Nerd that I am, it took all my willpower to not break out into the V-shaped Vulcan salute. I seriously wanted to (doing the Vulcan salute is far more natural to me than just holding my hand up straight). However, in the name of justice and looking professional and not wanting to be laughed at, I didn't. Plus, I wasn't sure if the Vulcan salute would invalidate the oath, or something. Don't want to take any chances when I'm so close to the finish line!

One of the best parts of the day is that my dad got to motion the court to admit me to the bar. It's a ceremonial thing, just a formality, and if you don't have a family member in the Michigan bar, someone will make a mass-motion for you. But it was still very neat, and my dad did a wonderul job making a short speech with only about three minutes' notice. Go dad! (Video included here.)

After the ceremony, we all went to the casino, where everyone (me, dad, mom, liz) left ahead! My vehicle for lucre was the blackjack tables; everyone else used the slots (which I refuse to use because a monkey can do it, and I am better than a monkey). After the casino, we had an amazing steak dinner at the Coach Insignia, which is the fancy-schmancy restaurant at the top of the RenCen in Detroit.

All in all, it was a great day. And now, I am officially* able to represent YOU when you slip and fall!** Hooray!


* Well, not officially. I still have to pay my bar membership dues. THEN I can represent you.
** As long as the accident occurred in Michigan.

Look, ma! I'm famous!

The University of Michigan basketball team had the misfortune, yet again, of attending the NIT tournament, also known as the Losers Tournament, a kind of consolation contest for those who didn't make it into the NCAA.

I learned all of the above facts within the past two days, as my dad told me he bought us all tickets for the NIT game at Michigan on Tuesday. NIT game? Michigan? Tuesday? All vague concepts to me, until my dad explained that basketball is a game whereupon one tries to "shoot" a ball into a hoop with a net under it. By "shoot," apparently he meant "throw the ball upward." There are, in reality, no guns involved.

The point of all this is that we got stuck sitting behind an IDIOT who wore a bag over his head for the whole game, including but not limited to the opening buzzer, halftime, when we were up by 11 or only up by 1. He wore the bag the entire time. At first I thought he wanted media attention, but then I realized that the TV cameras were in fact behind us. And then when the Ann Arbor News took his picture and tried to ask him a few questions, he shrugged them off. Apparently he just wanted to sit there and sulk. Inside a bag. With the words "NIT AGAIN" scrawled on the back, visible only to me and my mom.

Imagine my glee when I opened up the Detroit News this morning to see a picture of Bag Man buried inside the sports section, and, just behind him, me! Only partially obscured! It turns out the Web version of the photo also includes pieces of my mom and dad! I am famous!

Uncle Stu Goes to London

Originally uploaded by CaseWriter21.

After two weeks of exploring London solo (read: hanging out at Starbucks), I finally saw a familiar face this past weekend -- Uncle Stu! He made the 6,000 mile trip across the Atlantic to see the sights, visit his old stomping ground, and frolic with pigeons in Trafalgar Square. Together, we saw the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, went to Westminster Abbey, took in a couple shows in the West End, and of course, played with the pigeons. The picture was taken in front of Buckingham by a technologically savvy Asian boy (when looking for tourists to take your picture, I recommend young Asians). Plenty more pics on Flickr. And the pigeon video is seriously the most fun I've had in a long time. Enjoy!

Drinking with Uncle Stu
Originally uploaded by CaseWriter21.